Holiday Party

[fictional emails, no actual person named Terry in the HR department. Via a colleague.]

FROM: Terry - Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 13th, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the University Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Walden Inn House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the President shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The President will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Terry
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FROM: Terry - Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14th, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. From now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Terry.
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FROM: Terry - Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 15th, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!

Terry.
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FROM: Terry - Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 16th, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Walden Inn can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Terry.
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FROM: Terry - Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: December 17th, 2005
RE: The ******* Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Walden Inn whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink, drive, and die.

The Bitch from HELL!
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FROM: JOHN - Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 18th, 2005
RE: Terry and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Terry a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Vice President has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John.